After a few days of writing in my new journal, I have realized that it is time to make it private. I like writing, but I just dont really want to share this anymore; (that probably will go with the other journal too.) I feel that I just censor myself too much because I know that people might see it. But you never know if old habits come back. But I think for now... I think I will just privatize this journal.

God...that last entry was so fucked up...
Well...I had a funny lesson today. I think I liked what it was about but....it seems so different than what I am used to. I am used to the idea of emotions as being shown as a weakness, but the lesson learned is that it really shows strength. I guess I want to believe that, but in order to do that I had to go home and deal with what I am used to, (to see how it shaped me and to see how it contrasts this new thing.) After dealing with my family, I noticed from an outside perspective that affection is not shown. There are no hugs, there are no pats on the back, seldom signs of positive reinforcement; there just don't seem to be signs of support present. If there is a problem, you have to be able to take care of it yourself.
I guess....I learned that I grew up to the idea that you shouldn't share, you shouldnt talk about what your problems are. It seems weird that I just noticed this now. I always aspired to be independent like the rest of my family, but in doing so...I think that I made some sacrifices along the way. I was growing up believing that in order to become more independent, I should rely on people less and less; and in order to do that I needed to not let them know how I was. It kinda led to a long chain that ended up with not opening up to people. As I got older, I started to look for those qualities in my peers, and that resulted in friends who reinforced that fact. I ended up believeing that independence and trust were two diffenent things. With my family I still do feel that way, and I don't think that it will go away with them, but I don't want to be like that with my friends.
It seems like an unusual feeling, I guess it ended up integrating with socialization as well. I feel awkward around friends still, even if I know them well or not. I feel that I dont know what to do or what to say a lot of the time, I feel that I am learning how to be with people all over again. It feels like a frightful, yet enjoyable experience.
I want to apologize for closing myself to people, about not letting them in as much as I should; I want to open up more, I just dont know how to begin, but I feel that it will be interesting.

Today just felt too....boring? blah? It just felt like a stupid day. I didn't really feel interested in doing anything, and I just felt angry and regretful at myself. I just felt like shit. I wanted to listen to music and all it did was remind me of what I want but what I just dont feel that I deserve. I get too self concious of myself and I just want to kill myself. The first thing I got in response was that I was told that I deserve to be happy. When I heard that, I just wanted to throw Chris through the window. I felt like I got stabbed thru the heart. I just thought about all the things that have happened and I got angry. I feel like that my life has been nothing but tests; tests of strength? tests of character? Perserverence? They feel that they are still going on to this day.I feel that I am failing or something. I just cant take it much longer. I then got a call to go in to work in 5 minutes, that just fucking pissed me off. I didnt want to work, but I needed the money, so I took the shift. I couldnt concentrate there, I was able to keep my cool, but it agitated me so much. Eventually I had to go into the back room every 5 minutes just to prevent myself from letting my nausea take over. I just silently let my tears out, (after much self control.) I just wanted to close the arcade and go home. I was fortunate to get a sub. to cover the rest of the evening. I struggled to bring myself over to the movies. I wanted to see a funny movie to put my mind at ease, but I just couldnt face her. It just wouldve been unbearable. The movie if anything made me feel worse. I knew that there would be a happy ending, and that infuriated me. I had to get out of there, and I felt uncomfortable just taking a glance at her while I was leaving. It just....I felt unworthy and useless. I went home and destroyed my table, I just took my mallet and smashed it to pieces and just threw up and broke down.
I was asked if I had a problem with anger; the natural resonse was puzzlement, and partial admittance, but it just felt too much like a lie.
I have to deal with my anger and keep it in check all the time, I feel that I have to suppress my rage and make sure that nobody notices. I am seen as the gentle person, someone that looks like a pushover, but...I just feel that inside that I am a different person, I want to scream, I want to just destroy everything. I just want to unleash all of this pent up rage. All the time, I have to suppress all of my sorrow and my sadness. Sometimes it becomes unbearable, it gets to the point where I cant keep it in anymore.
I guess it all comes back to my fears. I am terrified of being seen as weak. I feel that admittance of these emotions shows me as being weak....I feel that if I show my weakness that I will be taken advantage of...I dont want to let people in, I dont want to trust anyone, I....dont want to get hurt again. I think my biggest fear is of getting hurt again. I do my best to keep a straight face and not weaken myself to these emotions. Whenever I feel that I trust someone, they betray me, they leave me, THEY EVEN DIE ON ME! ITS NOT FAIR!! WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP ALONE AGAIN! I WOULD RATHER BE ALONE BY CHOICE THEN TO BE LET DOWN AND JUST ABANDONED! GOD I FEEL SICK!!! I feel so nauseated... I feel like I am just moving all over the place. I cant tell my family about this, I just cant admit that anything is wrong. I just dont want to face them....I dont want to depend on them, I dont want to need them or have anything to do with them. I just feel like I would be weak.
Sometimes my anger is what keeps me strong, my hate, my rage....it...just keeps all the angish away. I dont know what to do, I dont know how to act, how to feel...I just....get angry. I feel that it's all that I have left.
I cant do this anymore. everytime that.....I...it just destroys me...I feel that I die a little bit inside....I dont want these feelings anymore. Why must I have them?! I dont want them amymore.... I dont want to love anymore.
I feel unworthy to have them, to have any of them, I just....cant take it anymore... I cant continue this anymore. I have to give it up, I have to end it.

The evening was a little sad until I saw a good friend. Just spending time with her and talking made me feel better. I guess it was just what I needed. Although....URG!!! More regrets...they just pile up... and sometimes...it's just so difficult. I just need the strength co carry on for a little while longer.

Do I have a problem with my anger...? Its something Ive never thought about. I only hate myself. If I could, I would kick my own ass into submission. I just hate the things that I've done and what I have become.

The past 18 hours just didn't feel too much better. Last night (around 3 am or so) I decided to just take the usual walk down to deputy. For some reason seeing the arch of BSU and the flag in the park just helps....puts things into perspective, (at least normally.)
But last night, I just didn't feel any peace. I just was thinking.... what sucks is that I just cant really explain what. It seems too difficult to put into words.
Today....
I had difficulty going to the funeral, I just stayed in bed all day until it. Going there was so difficult, because it just meant that he was really gone. On the way over...I just thought about all the things that Zach helped me with, all the good times. The funeral was difficult, there were so many people that he affected, so many lives that he touched. I couldn't break or anything like everyone else, I just almost threw up. All I could think about was how it just wasn't fair....it's not fair.

I just am gonna go...I think I want to leave Bemidji....I dunno, so many memories....I just...I dunno.

Wouldn't it suck to find out that your friend died by looking on a bulletin board at a sign for his funeral?

It just was a horrible day....I just...I threw up when I found out. I felt terrible the whole day....I didnt want to eat, go to class, meet up with friends....I just shut down for the whole day. It just doesnt seem fair, I keep having to deal with death and loss all the time it seems. THE THING THAT PISSES ME OFF IS THAT IT DOESNT FEEL LIKE IT HITS AS HARD ANYMORE!! CAN I NOT FEEL?! CAN I NOT GRIEVE?! Why the fuck can't I break down anymore! Now I have to make plans for it, (which happens to be this afternoon!)


It's just not fair...

Because of Episode III last year, it seems like that this time of the year is the time for cosplay; if any of you dont know what that means, look it up.

Know it now? welcome to the conversation...(j/k)

I know some of you might think it sounds stupid or something, but havent you ever seen someone wear something and go like "hey! I kinda want to wear that!" Well, thats the case for me. This year, I seem interested in the Turks from Final Fantasy 7. I like how they can look suave and just look good one minute, and then in the next one they can just kick your ass! Originally, I wanted to go with Reno, but I didn't like how he had a long ponytail and that whole tounge thing. So while I looked at pics, I found one for Before Crisis, (look at the poster below)

"I got rid of the pic"

I ended up choosing the character on the far left, his hair is easier to do, (and it looks better as well!)

He seems better because he doesnt have a name, (which means any name I make up will do,) he uses the same weapon, and can look all untucked and stuff! I even want to go to those conventions where they all meet...weird, huh.

I hope everything goes well with everybody...

Hmmm....I still dont know what I want to do with my break, I want to travel, but now the weather sucks, and I need to save up for the trip in April, among other things...so....meh. I think I will just go home and nap alot, or pull extra work hours if possible.

...later

I don't know which one is the real me and which one is the mask:

One side tells me that I only want what is best, for the others to be happy.
The other side wants what what seems to be the unattainable.

They both are the things that I want, but I just cant tell which one to go with!

Am I going maD? am I losing it?! What is wrong with me?!!!!?

Urg, today was a good day for all, and everything is alright, but....I just feel...confused again. I guess I just didn't feel all too comfortable today. I enjoyed spending time with her today, but the whole time I was just thinking..."where do I stand? What do I do? what should I say? What's Appropriate?" I dont really socialize too much anymore, it feels like I'm rusty, or out of shape or something. I guess I just feel boring or something; what is there to do for fun in this town?! I always stay inside, so it feels kind of weird that I dont really know what to do anymore that is considered fun; I wish to be more exciting, more spontaneous, and especially more creative. What annoys the fuck out of me is that I wish for so many things of myself, and I just falter when the moment comes. When it comes to others I know how to help them, I know what to say, what to do to set them straight, I can just get them going again. But I just can't do it for myself, and I just get so infuriated with myself.

Listen to me, going all over the place, I need to focus. Whats troubling me right now is with my friend. I respect her and appreciate her. I guess that it's obvious that I want more, but what I want more than anything is to be okay with myself around her, and I think that it would be best with things the way they are now. I want to be her friend first. She has someone and she is happy with what she has, and for that I am greatful. I want her needs to come first, I want to support her with her troubles if she needs any. I think that I am willing to wait for something, (if anything,) happens.
I guess what I want to do now is set things straight on where we are, whats appropriate, among other things.

Urg I feel tired, maybe I'll continue this entry later, I dunno.

Urg, this day has been conflicting. It seems difficult to write about, however, it seems necessary. I might as well just start at the beginning, but in this case, the beginning of this day is actually at the end. I was doing homework and I found in one of my textbooks a set of rules to ideally live by for a better life. They sound obvious, but I guess they just fly over some of our heads.

-See the world for what it is, and not for how you want it to be
-Accept uncertainty and ambiguity, (the unknown)
-Be more independent, spontaneous, and creative
-Make your own decisions and not care if people agree or not
-Accept yourself for who you are, as well as accept other people for who they are
-Think about how to solve the problem at hand, and not think about how to make yourself look good
-Focus more on the big picture instead of worrying or caring about the small stuff
-Learn to enjoy living, (be open to the idea and try positive experiences)
-Have a good sense of humor, (if you dont have one, develop it!)

After reading those rules, my day, (for some reason), felt easier. I felt at ease; I dunno what it was, but I just felt happy. However, it was short-lived.

I now feel conflicted, confused, and just....unsure of what to do. I feel like I am in a running against the unknown for her affections. I don't know exactly who I am against here, and I just feel apprehensive. I never am a confrontational person. I prefered being the silent and stoic type, but in doing that, I never expressed what it was that I wanted, and I let opportunities slip thru my fingers, I let other people get what it was that I wanted first. I normally give up alot, figuring that I could never live up to peoples expectations, that I can't satisfy them or give them what they deserve. I feel the same way now. I want to give up and throw in the towel. Am I worthy of something so great? I always want to say that I am, but life keeps kicking me down and telling me that when I really want something, something that others have, something that would really make me happy, I can't have it. It just seems that I am not worthy, or that it's not fair. I don't want to give up, so I won't. This is something really worth having, worth wanting. I can't sink beneath my despair, I will fight on and keep moving forward as much as I can. I really like her, and if things cant work out, then I want to at least be her friend. I just dont know what to do.

People go thru hard times, it's a fact of life. We find that we lose our faith at times, our convictions. I understand that well. I think what keeps me going is that I believe that there are good people in this world, we may not see them, recognize them, or know them, but they are there. I've been in a debate about if people are inherently good or evil, and I think that it's the life that we live that makes that decision. I want to belive though that we are good, and that we care about each other, even if we dont show it. I may not understand what each and every situation is like, but I want to know, and I want to be there whenever I can for others that I care about.